Well...

If you're reading this and expecting questions ye shall be let down today. Why? Because I had intended Wednesdays to be full of questions that others wrote and this week no one sent me any. So, in light of that, here's a picture of a baby sloth.

Send in questions for next week or I'll f'in kill this sloth. Kill it with hugs.

Back on Track, Booya

The second post of the day and the first one that really belongs to getting slapped up here during my meager lunchtime. In case you forgot, I gots questions for you taken from media that I personally enjoy.

The first is from one of the strongest works from Italo Calvino "If on a Winter's Night a Traveler", which I say since it's also one of my favorite books. A story directed strait at the reader posing them with a very peculiar situation in trying to enjoy a good read, and see how it all unfolds. Here how it goes down...

1) You've just started a new book from an author you've been really wanting to read. You get so into the story in just the first chapter but when the chapter ends, the pages are blank. You take it back and they give you a new copy, saying the others were defective. Now the new copy is a different story and ends after the first chapter as well! Do you...

a) Shrug, figure you have two good journals now and get a magazine instead?

b) Find the rest of that book! No! Both of those books!

c) Throw a fit at the counter and demand compensation for your trouble?

d) Give up reading altogether, the Bacholer is on.

Secondly, after firstly, I want to talk a little bit about Hunter S. Thompson. The vagabond scribe for Rolling Stone magazine and inventor of Gonzo journalism. Like Che Guevara, if you're a guy 18-22 and you "inhale", you're gonna be a fan of him for at least a little while. Thompson had many an adventure, most of which, for what his truth is worth, have been contained in his books. So just for fun...

2) What would be your favorite Gonzo afternoon?

a) Take some mescaline and go swimming?

b) Take some adrenachrom (from human adrenaline glands you know) and wake up three days from now?

c) Check in a vegas hotel with intent to commit capital fraud on a head full of acid?

d) Grab a bottle of whiskey, golf clubs, golf balls, and a shot gun and see who can shoot the most out of the air?

Two in one day, I must be some kinda bored!

Monday's Gone Away

I had more than one thing to do yesterday so I wasn't able to multi-task and get this done! The ole better late than never clause is gonna come into effect here, I'll be posting the Tuesday questions by the end of today hopefully.

1) Would you rather...

a) Never have children?
b) Have octuplets?
c) Have one son who is a Minotaur and you have to keep him in a Labyrinth and feed him pre-teens?

2) Would you rather...

a) Always feel hungry?
b) Always feel thirsty?

3) Would you rather...

a) Find out that guy you hate at work is actually Jesus, your lord, savior, and office enemy?
b) Die, get sent to hell, and be horribly disappointed by the lack of creavity?

4) Would you rather...

a) Have the worlds strongest thumbs?
b) Have the worlds best sense of smell?

Hope your week has started out splendidly. Looks like we get that little bit of warmth mixed with rain today...I'll take it.

Love and Skin Socks

It's Friday, and I've done writ this for a whole week now. I'm a little bit proud. So for Fridays I want to talk about the subjects that I love most. Last week, my favorite of the blood sucking goats monsters, and today, in no way a change of pace, serial killers.

But as this is a daunting task full of many many facts that may, and some day possibly will, require a blog of their own. I'm going to focus on a few of the superstars of the sociopathic olympics.

Eddie Gein, the inspiration for Psycho, Silence of the Lambs, and even a little bit of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, is one of the darlings of the murder showcase. Today he'd probably even have his own PR rep. In 1945 when his overbearing, religious fundamentalist and psycho in her own right, mother, died of a series of strokes and left Ed alone in the farm house he grew up in, his decline into madness grew steadily until his arrest in 1957 under the suspicion of murders of at least six women. When the police raided his house they found several "homemade" items, including some pieces of clothing. So just out of curiousity...

1) If you were to shop at Gein Stylz on Michigan Ave, what would you buy? (These are all real Ed creations by the way, I'm not this clever.)

a) A necklace made of lips.

b) A vest derived from Women's chests and groins.

c) A nipple belt. (thats right, a whole belt of nipples, I said "at least" six women.)

d) A face mask, from a face.

Well now that you've got your fresh duds, you're going to be looking for a place to stay in the city so you can hit a few bars and not worry about driving home. It just so happens, that America's first serial killer H.H. Holmes built a hotel in the good ole Illinois and has a vacancy tonight. Holmes notorious hotel saw the end of yet an undetermined amount of travelers with several trap doors, rooms the locked from the outside, and a basement laboratory for examining and desposing of guests.

2) As you approach the counter, the smiling owner offers you several themed rooms, which do you choose?

a) The Gas Attack

b) The Big Drop

c) Slice N Dice

d) Or he could shoot you in the face right now

Finally you're all set for a fancy night out, you certainly won't be seeing the sun rise, so you might as well find some shady company to share your evening with. You head to the nearest bar and are met with a smattering of shift characters sitting around the bar. You grab a drink and survey the room.

3) Who do you strike up a convo with?

a) The uptight nervous chap with a button down shirt on and hair combed to the side?

b) The shaggy haired attractive hispanic fellow with piercing eyes?

c) The well dressed smirking man in the corner with a strong jaw?

d) The heavy set oaf with a moustache and dirt under his nails?

*For those of you who answer this I will be more than happy to tell you your fate*

That's it for the week. I'm having fun, are you? I know Lil Beezy is to some extent, high five Beezy. Katy Hawley? If you read this lets see some input, I need to profile you.

Just As Doc Brown Wants It

Thursday from now on shall be a tribute to the days of Yesteryear. Since we haven't had the opportunity to make many of the decisions that have faced folks for centuries, I want to bring some of those to you each week, until I run out of history.

Lets rap about Prohibition in America for today. The notorious ban of alcohol that started on January 16th in 1920 with the passing of the 18th Amendment and the Volstead Act. It lasted for a painful 13 years before it was finally repealed. During this time, if you were caught basically having anything to do with booze, you were subject of up to $1,000 fine (in the 20s!) or six month jail time if you couldn't pay it. Weak sauce. Well that makes my first question of the day easy.

1) Your 18th birthday (legal drinking age of the time) is January 17th 1920. Low and behold they pass the alcohol ban the day before and ruin all your plans to hang out with your friends and cruise for Flappers. Do you...

a) Risk it anyway considering the 5-0 will be out in full force to protect the new ban?
b) Concede to the new tyrannical standard and drink soda pop?

Someone had to help keep this new ban above water, and the police were busy enough with ruffians and, you know, Al Capone, so 3,000 jobs with the Prohibition Agency were created to act as watch dogs against illegal consumption. Of course this was a horribly difficult and demoralizing job where 10,000+ men held those 3,000 positions over a 6 year period. So I want to know.

2) You're broke as a joke. You got kids to feed. And even though you pissed and moaned about the Prohibition act like everyone else, you notice an ad in the paper for work. The money is alright enough. Do you...

a) Take the job, lose all your friends (no doubt) and struggle to fight a losing battle for the money?
b) Stay unemployed, sober, and filthy (they shut off your water).

Enjoy your Thursday friends, tomorrow I plan to talk about one of my favorite subjects. And if you know me, you'll guess it.

Wascally Wabbit

Today, on this wonderful Wednesday, I have questions written by the tiny collective of folks who give this a read once in a while. These are good, so be forewarned, you're gonna have some thinking to do.

Carolynn, a preschool teacher and avid Bill Murray fan, has concocted the following and wants to know...

Would you rather have, for the rest of your life...

a) Wet Socks

b) A Canker Sore

Mr. John Barna, a convicted sexual predator and avid Chris Hansen fan, has bemused this and wants to know...

If you could be transformed for one week into an inanimate object would you choose?

a) A football used on Super Sunday

b) Sarah Palin’s Wet Wabbit

c) Michelle Obama’s toothbrush

d) Britney Spear’s tube of Kwell

e) Dick Cheney’s penis

And Cassandra, a cartoonist, fellow classmate, and avid fan of Sweden, can't get over this and wants to know...

Would you rather...

a.) have a limp noodle for an arm that one day a Chinese emperor will eat mistaking it for his lo mein once you take a time machine back to that period where China had an emperor, and therefore reliving a life that isn't yours with no arm and being known as that person that got their arm eaten by the emperor -a sign to all threats against the Chinese empire to beware even though it was an accident.

b.) have a limp noodle for a penis which also has its own personality and a sinus infection.

I'm gonna go off and ponder my own answers. Thanks to all three of you for your input to my little slice of the internet. Have a great Wednesday friends.

Don't Think I'll Ever Make It On Time

Okay so, on Tuesday's I thought it would be fun to find scenario's in popular media, which will include books should I accidentally read one.

Today I'm taking cues from two classics of television. Both a tour de force in their own right. Begining with Extras, the BBC show from The Office creator Ricky Gervais. In the show, Maggie likes to ask Andy Would You Rather questions throughout, much to his dismay. Here's the one that finally drives him off the deep end.

Would you rather...

a) Be a penguin, so you're a bird, but you can't fly, but you can swim in the sea like a fish.

b) Be a flying fish, so you're a fish, but you can fly.

The other boob tube classic has to come from Saved By The Bell. Of course. Thanks to my lady Carolynn and her generosity, I've been able to fully appreciate the magic that was the mid 90s again from the comfort of my own home. So here's the campy conundrum.

Would you rather...

a) Sit in every chair backwards like AC Slater?

b) Always have your voice crack like Screech?

c) Have a mom who just let any strange kid into your house and let them knock on your bedroom door like Zach?

d) Have a traumatic caffiene pill addiction like Jesse?

e) Only have one hallway in your high school, two classrooms, a gym, and roughly 30 students?

That's what I got for today. I'd fancy your company tomorrow for questions written by other folks who have given this the time of day. Special guests include Lil Beezy, Farge, and more.

We Have Too Much Salad

So I had a thought this weekend, on the can where all my best are, that I could try cateogorizing these five days of the week when most fools have to work. It's worth a shot, so Monday is going to be Quickie day.

Nothing starts off the week right like a quickie. Yea, I made that easy joke.

1) Would you rather eat...

a) Cold Broccoli?
b) Bacon Dog Treats?

2) Would you rather...

a) Hit an animal (under 10lbs) everytime you drove your car?
b) Have children (under 10 years) cry at the sight of you?

3) Would you rather, for one entire day...

a) Wear boiling hot cast iron shoes?
b) Grip a hunting knife in a closed fist in each hand, by the blade of course?

What's Tuesday? F'in wait 24 hours. Much thanks to Cassandra for her interest. If you read this crap then her blog is over your head but here it is http://pillowteethwithpillowears.blogspot.com/

Thanks For Being My Friend

I don't know how often this is going to be updated, but hell, all I have to do is write questions. But if I find out you're reading this and you don't tell me your answers you better believe I'm gonna squeeze them out, because to me you're nothing but a question orange full of vitamin enriched answer juice.

Did you see? I have someone who wants to "follow" this dribble. Look off to the right, there he is. In celebration, todays brain busters are for Mr. John Barna. I googled your name Mr. B and I'm fairly certain this is what you look like because it's been a few weeks since I've seen you. Thanks Farge!

1) You've been at a bar all night with your friends, and for quite some time you've noticed a sexy slice of human throwing you glances. Finally, they start to saunter over to you. The look in their eyes says "I'm finna get you." Time slows down, your head swims, now you can distinctly hear "Oh Yeah" by Yello playing. Day Bow-Bow...Chick-Chick-Chicka-Chick-Ka....They get closer, you're sweating horribly, they get closer, your heart is pounding, closer still, your friends pass around High Fives because everyone knows what's about to happen. You're gonna get it on. They are within 26 inches from you now, you poise yourself to say something when a familar tingle hits your sinuses. Instinctively, your head reels back to load your nose gun and then you mercilessly fire a powerful sneeze all over their face, hair, and neck. Silence. Horrible silence. Everyone is staring at you, the look in their eyes now says "Snot!". Do you...

a) Stiff arm your love in the throat, plow them down and take off, never looking back.
b) Rub your face against theirs, spreading some of your sneeze onto your own face, in a desperate form of pre-courtship vows to share the good and the bad.
c) Scream for a napkin the way George Clooney screamed for scalpals in ER and clean that fools face, stat.



2) Something has laid eggs in your cheek. Is it...

a) A spider?
b) A toad?
c) An ostrich?



3) Would you rather...

a) Wait in a 45 minute line for every meal you want to eat?
b) Have all your bowel movements broadcast internationally?



And finally, I would definitely want to smell like Bananas, but not candy Banana, whatever that flavor candy industries have created that they call Banana is one of the most wretched deformed cousins from the hard shell Fruit Family.

Starting out Lame

What do I have that's new to offer the blog world? I did some googling and it seems very likely that my options are slim. So in an effort to keep this going and not getting discouraged like I always do with journals and the like, I'm going to dedicate the majority of this effort to creating "Would You Rather?" questions to spurn conversation or quickly end it.

Sure it tends to be a one-dimensional game based on options that near everyone would avoid if they could, but if the aversion is that strong by all means take a step back from this rabble and don't tell anyone you were here, I don't need "opinions" poisoning my temporary mystery.

I want to kick off this little exodus from the high brow with a topic very near and dear to my heart, The Chupacabra. In case you don't know, this mythic beast lives south of this here American border in Mexicolike and feeds off the blood of goats. The fact that there's actually some evidence of Chups (or possibly anything else) out there killing livestock is what tickles me more so than the ambiguous Bigfoot or Loch Ness Monster. And yet Chups doesn't get nearly as much limelight as it's more popular brethren, probably because of a mix of it's unfortunate "appearance" and the fact that no one apart from pagans get their rocks off about goat blood. So in honor of the malevolent Chupacabra, I wish to pose the following questions about myths and shit. Responses are encouraged as these are questions, and questions kind of suck if no one ever answers them.

1) You're a wild vicious beast from one of Darwin's nightmares, would you rather...

a. Be captured and kept in captivity by scientists who perform primarily painless tests and occasionally parade you through the public.

b. Be revered as a God by native peoples, but hunted by bored rich white folks who want to put your head next to their replica Monet?

2) You've met the significant other of your dreams online. You trade headshots and chat for months before they finally ask you to come visit them. When you get there, you find they are, in fact, a centaur. Now they are the complete package as a mate, just with the bottom half of a horse. Do you…

a. Have a fun quasi-bestiality laden one-night stand?

b. Ride this out and see if there's really a connection?

c. High tail it out of there?

d. Put 'em down, sell their Birkenstock clad hooves for glue.

3) Would you rather…

a. Be the monster in some kid's closet?

b. Be that thing that brushes up against people's feet when they swim in the ocean?

c. Be the shadow that lurks down dark alleys?

Thanks for bearing with me so far. Maybe I'll see you around.